This is a tense time for sports fans especially when games are being played during work hours.

To avoid disappointment use our sick note suggestions to avoid the more common excuses and impress your boss with your unusual ailments:

ELVIS HIP
a common complaint often suffered in the home whilst showing young ones the apparent ease with which it is possible to confuse your partner for a wooden chair.

PLECTRUM RECTUM
a similar complaint in which young people are being instructed in how legendary electric guitarists (usually deceased) could play their 'axe' in compromising positions.  Unfortunately you are not up to the feat and come a right cropper. Details of affliction to be whispered followed by small fits of giggling.  N.B. the use of Latin for authentic medical condition.

HOB NOB
a difficult one to use but can work a treat. A contagious disease usually found amongst licentious aristocrats; not easy to catch unless you 'rise above your station'.

BLUE TOE
this is commonly found in snooker halls when, worse for wear, the player has mistaken the end of his toe for the tip of his cue when 'chalking up'; must wear sandals for recovery.

BLACK EAR
caught through intimate contact with eager woman whispering sweet somethings in the ear of male party, thus releasing small amounts of mascara pollen which may germinate into the inner ear.  If left untreated may turn into inner owl syndrome:  see a psychiatrist.

BONNET HEAD
usually found in men who spend too much time under the bonnet of their car rather than with their wife.  Symptom: large bump on head caused by impatient wife slamming bonnet down on husband after dinner has grown cold. Can cause amnesia where husband can't remember if he even owns a car, which then becomes the cure!

TROUSER MOUTH
usually found in belligerent drunks after giving it too much of this.

POOH BEARD
not to be confused with lovable bear with little brain, but a rather squalid character who leaves traces of stuff on rim of glass in public houses.

MYWAYGRAINE
usually found in pub singers or karioke 'entertainers' who suffer acute pains of the head as a result of singing boorish Sinatra song. Useful response : 'do it your way but do it somewhere else'.

TABLE TENNIS ELBOW
see tennis elbow.

HEAD MICE
a more  acute version of a tiresome school affliction.  Warning - avoid the use of traps: wear a small cat.

DEEP THROAT INFECTION
keep it to yourself.  Suggest sponsored 24 hour gargle.

BOB'S YOUR ANKLE
a genetic condition.  Traditionally an East End affliction.

MECCA NECK
Muslims will be especially familiar with this one.

BETTY DAVIS EYE
one for the lady supporters.  Northern doctors are often heard to say 'You've got more mascara on than was used in gunpowder plot'.  Southerners don't understand this and nor do most Northerners, we suspect.

MARMALADE ON THE KNEE
a particular problem at breakfast especially for those wearing short trousers (more  often referred to as shorts).  A difficult one to shift; can be very persistent.

WATERBED KNEE
similar symptoms but will respond to treatment at Lourdes.

QUADRAPHENIA
it’s the funny farm for you but make sure they have the footie on.  Matches may be shown with the sound down to avoid overexcitement of patients who can be heard to say 'Did Bolton win it?'

SEVEN YEAR ITCH
drink plenty of 7UP, avoid ballroom dancing.

HONEYMOON HERNIA
could later develop into seven year itch if not treated.

MUSLIMMING
can segue into anorexia.

HALFRIGHTIS
common in those who think they know more than they really do.   Remedy: read my book: 'Discover Your Inner Owl'.

PARSON'S NOSE
occupational hazard after one too many nips at the communion wine.

PIG FLU
a potential pandemic found in those who claim to have seen pigs fly (a while ago).
OEDIPEUS COMPLEX
recommended by a French user with highly successful results for long term leave.  Health Warning: Don't tell your parents.