The new Eurostar experience
After all the laudatory write-ups in the press, it came as a real disappointment to use the new St. Pancras link to the continent. Here is what the journalists on freebies forgot to tell us:
1. The famous champagne bar is outside the Eurostar terminal. So you check your bags and go through security and passport control, and are just in the mood to relax with a bit of champagne, but they won't let you go out to the bar. There is a (small) bar inside the terminal, but the only way to visit the famous champagne bar is to turn up extra-early, lugging your luggage along, and then check in. Which lunatic thought of that?
2. The old Eurostar train from Waterloo took a pleasantly scenic route through the smiling Kent countryside. The new route goes mainly through long dull tunnels and hellish post-industrial wastelands.
3. We heard a lot about the marvellous span of the St Pancras roof, but the roof that is mostly visible to the Eurostar traveller looks like this:.JPG)
So was it worth years of work, several billion pounds and a saving of 15 minutes off the journey time? Sorry, but not really. The loot would have been better spent on a high speed link to Scotland...
Harry the heron and his pals
A walk in Regents Park is an increasingly bizarre experience, due to the animals. I mainly blame the tourists, although there are enough nutty locals with huge bags of bread, who only encourage the bad behaviour of these creatures:
Squirrels, who brazenly approach you and panhandle for food. I'm sure this didn't happen five years ago. For some reason tourists think the little beasts are cute, and even pose for photos with them. Don't they have squirrels at home?
The geese, who stand on the path, looking tough and hissing in a menacing way..jpg)
The herons are frankly scary. These birds are supposed to be solitary and wary of humans but in the Park, they hang about in groups of 6 or 7, right by the main path. There is something unsettling in the way they shift from on foot to the other, never taking their eye off you.
The animal equivalent of hoodies. (A hoody of herons?)
A fine pub bites the dust Back to top
This was the Duke of Wellington in Marylebone, London:
It was an eccentric place, full of curious objects relating to the Iron Duke. It was scruffy and cosy. At one time the local fly fishing club had a corner devoted to their activities, with a rod, landing net, and photos displayed. There was memorobilia all over the place and a fine collection of historic beer bottles dating back to the 60s. In short, it was one of the nicest local pubs in central London. But now the landlord has gone, and the Duke has been completely gutted, turned into some witless clone bar, no doubt with loud music and expensive lager. It's so sad and infuriating to see a piece of historic London bite the dust like this.
I therefore ask for an eccentric millionaire to step forward and help us create The Pub Restoration Society, devoted to buying nasty modern pubs and turning them back to what they were in their prime, but slowly, by stealth. Week 1, the music stops ('sorry lads, can't get the CD to work'). Next week, the spotlights are removed. Then, the dartboard reappears. The TV goes. Bench seats come back in one corner, then another. And so on, until everything is just as it should be.
Until then, we still have the traditional local The Golden Eagle, on Marylebone Lane:
pk_munroe@yahoo.com
How authors go mad Back to top
A new author with a small publishing house should immediately be put on an At-Risk Register. The danger is that they get the marketing bug and start increasingly outlandish schemes to shift copies of their book. From personal experience, here are the symptoms:
Early stage (1)
Furtively enters bookshops, hovers until the coast is clear, then dives in to re-arranges his/her own book for maximum prominence on the shelves. This behaviour is so common among authors, both new and established, that it hardly merits a mention. Unfortunately some people don't stop here.
I wish I had a time-lapse camera covering the humour titles in Daunt Books (Marylebone High Street, London) where the books are so frequently 'author adjusted' that the book-buying public must be completely baffled. It would be great to catch Robin Cooper (or possibly his mum) in the act.
Early stage (2)
Boldly enters bookshops and asks if the book is in stock. Doesn't check the shelves first. If it's in stock, re-arranges on the shelf for maximum prominence (see Early Stage 1). If it's not in stock, declines the offer to order the book - 'no thanks, I need it now'. The idea is to make bookshop staff believe there is enough demand for the title to order some on spec.
Middle stage (1)
Goes onto Amazon and pens reviews - not too gushing - under a false name.
Middle stage (2)
Goes onto Amazon every day to check the book's rating. Elated when it gets up to position 10,000; dashed when it falls below 200,000. Spends considerable time wondering how these ratings are generated and discussing this with family and friends; in order to get a handle on it, seriously considers buying a copy of the book just to see what it does to the rating.
Middle stage (3)
Goes onto Amazon every day, visiting the spot for his/her title in order to give Amazon the impression that the book is very popular. (There is a well-known equivalent technique in fly-fishing, where the angler tries to tempt a big trout by continuously casting the same fly over the fish, to give it the impression that a hatch is going on. It can work on fish.)
Severe stage (1)
Purchases a copy of the book on Amazon to see how this will affect the rating.
Severe stage (2)
Phones up a few independent bookshops to ask if they would consider stocking the book.
Severe stage (3)
Phones up a few Waterstone's bookshops to ask if they would consider stocking the book. Wife/husband starts to express concern about obsessive behaviour.
Late stage
Wheedles extra copies of the book from the publisher, and sends them to people in the public eye with a covering letter explaining why the book is just up their street.
Terminal stage (1)
Spends late nights on the internet collecting email addresses of dozens of independent bookshops, and Waterstone's managers. Sends carefully-crafted emails to ask if they would consider stocking the book. Wife/husband complains loudly and often about obsessive behaviour.
Terminal stage (2)
Seriously considers selling the book on the street, possibly from a stall at the local farmers' market. Wife/husband leaves. Gives up day job in order to have more time to focus on marketing the book.
pk_munroe@yahoo.com
Receipts mystery Back to top
At the exact same moment that everyone else has woken up to environmental problems, the retailers are forcing receipts upon us for every trivial purchase. I can't buy a cup of tea now without being given a (very large) receipt, which I then throw away. This only started quite recently, didn't it? Multiply it up by millions of people, every day, and we are probably onto our third landfill site devoted just to receipts for tea, coffee, and pies.
Are these food outlets misguidedly trying to help us to reclaim the cost (admittedly high) of cups of tea etc. from our employers, or spouses? If so, they should turn it around and ask 'Do you want a receipt with that?', to which 99% of us will say no.
Or is something else going on? One clue is that some retailers are pretty fierce about making sure we get a receipt. I spotted this notice at a pie shop on Waterloo station the other day:
The threat to their employees is very plain: "If the dimwit serving you makes a momentary error and fails to give you a receipt, you get free food - and we'll take it out of their wages!"
What is going on here? Is there some potential scam open to fast food workers which is foiled by issuing a receipt? Retailers are always worried about 'shrinkage' (ie. disappearing pies), and since cups of tea etc. can't easily be shoplifted by customers, it must be the workforce who are under suspicion. Can anyone advise?
Summer sport (1) - Getting in people's holiday pictures Back to top
When walking around a city in the Summer months, try to deliberately position yourself to appear in tourists' holiday photos. It's easy. A good way to ease yourself into this new activity is to walk slowly past one of those 'living statues', which are natural photo magnets. Award yourself extra points for pulling a face.
In theory there could be a prize for the person who appears most often in other people's photographs. The enjoyment comes from imagining a situation where the tourist gets home and is showing their snaps around, and someone says: "Hold on a minute, I'm sure I've seen that chap in my photos, too..."
Summer sport (2) - Carp baiting in Paris Back to top
Next time you're in Paris and don't fancy queuing half the day for a museum or gallery, try an alternative entertainment. Buy a baguette and head for one of the parks containing a pond or two. The Tuilleries is particularly good for this:
These Paris ponds don't look too exciting, but they contain a hidden secret: Carp. Some big ones, too. Tear a few pieces of bread off your baguette and chuck them into the pond. You may have to wait a while, enduring the curious stares of loafing Parisians and tourists, before you see any action. But watch your bait, checking for swirls. Trust me, the carp are in there. Look out for any slightly darker shapes under the water, and chuck your bread pellets at them:
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A sunny day seems to work best for carp-baiting. It's a well-spent hour or two. And some of the inhabitants are big.
pk_munroe@yahoo.com
Doesn't translate Back to top
Spotted on holiday in Italy - some items unlikely to go down well in the UK:
PIG women's magazine
PIMPA children's game
Banca Nazi (ok, I cheated)
And a painful-sounding shop in France:
pk_munroe@yahoo.com
Dustcart shrines Back to top
Spotted on Waterloo station:
.JPG)
What is it with rubbish cart operators and children's soft toys? There is something creepy about the way they attach these things to their transport (you can see the same thing on a grander scale with the rubbish cart at Church Street market on the Edgware Road). It's probably innocent enough - they find the creatures and don't like to throw them away. But the final effect is weird, like a toy graveyard or a gamekeeper's gibbet.
Dumberplates Back to top
One day I am going to start a website devoted to poking fun at all the idiotic personalised car numberplates that plague London and the Home Counties. If any web programmer is interested please drop me a line (pk_munroe@yahoo.com). Here are a few choice Plates of the Day I've collected:
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Not invented here Back to top
Our book The Thursday Night Letters featured what we thought was another stroke of genius from the pub: the Call to Prayer Alarm Clock. However we soon found out that someone else had already invented it. Nevertheless we left it in the book because it wasn't clear if their clock had all our features, eg. a compass to align the user towards Mecca, 5 separate alarm settings for calls through the day, and most importantly a chip-recording of authentic calls to prayer from famous mosques across the East.
So my sister went to Dubai, and all she got me was this lousy clock:
Having put it through rigorous lab testing, here is the verdict: no compass, only one alarm setting, no authentic call to prayer (just a horribly loud, inhuman-sounding wail), cheap plastic construction, very gaudy. In other words it's no good, thank goodness.
pk_munroe@yahoo.com
Super Dim underwear Back to top
Here's a photo I took not long ago in a French supermarket:
The name 'Super Dim' probably means something sensible in French, so it will only become properly funny if we can persuade the manufacturer to import this brand into England, or get someone here to stock them. I'll be writing to M&S shortly.
How authors go mad
Super Dim underpants
Carp baiting
Another invention goes East?
Receipts mystery
Won't translate
Dustcart shrines
Dumberplates
Getting in other people's photos
Posted @ 06:21:07 on 01 September 2007 back to top
